Dearest and Most Noble Majesty,
Salutations! I hope that this letter finds you in good health, with good friends and with a Gin & Tonic.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Samuel Morris and I am the Chief Arch Senior Junior Vice Executive Captain Manager President of the Make Me a Mountain Campaign.
Before I get to business let me first say how appreciative we at the MMMC are of your vigilant efforts in battling communists, anarchists and other such people who chose to live off the taxpayers money rather than getting real jobs. It must be hard work and so the MMMC would like to Pat You On the Back!
By way of thanks we have enclosed a voucher for Gadget Shop and a strawberry flavoured Starburst that is a most gratifying sweetie.
The reason that we write to you is in regard to one Royal Geographic Society (RGS) that you patronise (though we don’t judge you for this – I often patronise people of a lower intelligence myself!)
For some time now we have been seeking to have myself declared the worlds first Sentient Mountain. Namely. Mt. Sam.
We do this in the interest of science and human advancement! (Vertical advancement specifically). We have found through our research that a man who wishes to be a mountain need only accomplish 4 trifling feats. (1) To be significantly taller than ones immediate surroundings (2) To have two or more climate zones (3) To have crags, rocky bits and cliff faces etc (4) To be a landmass. It is Sam’s dearly held belief that all these things are within his scope of abilities.
The RGS however does not wish to recognise this fact or indeed deal with our campaign. And so we write in all humility to ask if you could see your way clear to asking them to help us or perhaps have them all beheaded as is your prerogative.
You will notice we have a website on which an Online Petition is being created to help us in our struggle. Feel free to peruse it at your leisure.
Yours,
Laird Samuel (of Glencairn)
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