George Bush

Good shot old boy
Well done old chap
Another Iraqi dead
You made that one an orphan
And blew off another’s head

But I'm sure your conscience will be clean
When you go home to your wife
Because all those smears upon the floor
Once had a crappy life

And so George Bush my learnéd friend
You complete and utter twat
If they wanted liberation why the fuck did they shoot back?

200 Iraqis died today I bet you’re really proud
They disappeared under your guns
Beneath a mushroom cloud

So I hope you feel real stupid,
When in Baghdad you are dispatched
Those ones you save, how will they wave
Without their limbs attached?

An Ode to Christine’s Big Fat Smelly Arse Brain

Remember when Hitler
Killed all those Jews?

Remember when America
Dropped the bomb on Japan?

Remember when Jack the Ripper
Decided he didn’t like prostitutes?

Well you’re not as bad as those guys
Not as evil as that muck
But for all the things your not
You’re still a stupid fuck

Protester Andy

You’re a social revolutionary a rebel with a cause
You know your Marx and Trotsky and fight without a pause

So why did you neglect to say, you vicious little git
That everything you ever said has been a load of shit

You fought for peace around the globe, made earth a better place
But when you killed that fascist, did you look him in the face?

You’re a social revolutionary a rebel with a cause
You know your Marx and Trotsky and fight without a pause

So why did you neglect to say, you vicious little shit
That you’re not a freedom fighter you’re a fucking hypocrite!


Rebel Without a Clause

He reads Das Kapital in Starbucks
Drinks coffee made from men

He bought his cause on EBay
Twelve for the price of ten

They stole our revolution
But now we’ve got it back

Hammer, Sickle and a Nike tick
Within a multi pack


You don’t gotta be a wordsmith

If I were a poet I would poem at you
If I were a writer I would spell your name
I’m neither of them and I’ve stolen this pen
But I love you all the same



Talent Hunting

Won’t hunt a fox but trap a rat

Never shoot a deer - but swat a fly

Save the whales but eat the cows


It’s at times like this that I wish I had been born with blonde hair and blue eyes



Spend and Savior

Buy Zen and get the Buddha free
Half-price heaven with a lifetime guarantee

Sometimes five quid sometimes more
Christ delivered to your door

Salvation is the new shampoo
It cleanses sin and dandruff too.

It’s Pick and mix (every man for himself)
Lets raid the store and clear the shelf

Heaven’s never looked so great, I’m knocking at its door
But I’ve sold my soul to Argos – Didn’t need it anymore


The City That Never Sleeps

Come to Sunny Lebanon
There's action on the streets!
Our fine hotels, you'll never leave
Our missile-heated suites

Beirut city never sleeps
The sky is lit up bright!
Pin the leg back on the donkey
Games into the night!

Come to Sunny Lebanon
See the children run!
They scream they jump they paint the town red
Aren't they having fun?

The public transport's not so great
You won't get here on a bus
But jump aboard an Israel tank
It'll take you straight to us


Prose and Cons
My love is not iambic
It won't fit on a page
It can't be measured with a penta-meter
Looks silly on a stage

I tried to say it in an opera
Tried to sing it in a song
Tried trap it in a Haiku
But it’s gone Pete Tong

If you find this poem
At the bottom of the bin
Then put it back!
I've committed heinous sin

Cos the thing I tried to cage in words
The thing that wouldn't fit
The message that you didn't get...
I think I might love you a bit.


Achmed & the Whimsical Carpet

There was a boy, a devilish rogue
Achmed with an A
By night he was a communist
A street rat by day

He got the princess pregnant
Done a great deal wrong
When the guards cried treason
He just burst into song

He stole bread from the bakers
And blew up all the trains
When driving down the motorway
He took up all the lanes!

He stopped your watch -
Ran over the cat -
Took the house next door -
He made them cancel Kilroy!
We could take this boy no more!

And so one fine Arabian night,
When the moon was full
We shot young Achmed out the sky,
Carpet, Hat and all.

The moral to our story
As the poor boy hits the floor
Is that men fear nothing more than dreams
And even dreams may go to war



HisSpace

Everyone's a singer-songwriter,
Where have my friends gone?
Who would smash triangles
and cower from the choir mistress.

They think they're poets and minstrels,
But I remember when they found farts funny,
and I'm still keeping the toilet seat warm

We'll find the rude words in the dictionary
and laugh at sock puppets

Those sober sophophiles, don't scare me none



Automatic Biography

A chap knocked on my door today,
armed with pen and sword

He asked me for my Complete Works
said they're overdue

"It's time for a biography,
a Chronicle of You"


I'm still not dead! I tried to scream
As they had me packaged

"It's far to late for that my boy
Yesterday you'll be famous!"


Falling Over Love


I'm falling into your eyes,
and I can't look down...

Because that's where your tits are.

You leave me speechless
lost for words...

Because that reparte sounded so much better in my head

And so, if between the stammering, pain, embarrassment and unyielding terror
I forget to be in love with you, forgive me.
Because I was before you came in.

Wisdom and experience is wasted on the old


Confessions of a Lazy Poet

I could write about those seagulls
If I were so inclined
But my head has gone off wandering
And left my pen behind


Epigram for an Absent Friend

Beware not greek men bearing gifts,
Beware not that dark cloud,
Beware instead the man who farts
and doesn't laugh out loud


Wooden Spoons

I came third in the human race
And now feel somewhat out of place,

With mankind I don't equate,
So I chose to abdicate,

To be a man is quite absurd,
Why not Zebra or a bird?

So if you see me out of line,
Please remember this short rhyme;

My ways they may seem strange to you
But I'm on leave, from London Zoo

What's your excuse?

Footprints on the Ceiling
I wake upon the morning
after the night before
and find a bearded wise man
sleeping by my door

And where were you, I cried,
Since you're fit and able,
Just where on earth do you think you were
While I danced upon the table?

Get up old hairy traitor
I hit him on the head
Go do something useful
While I stay here in bed

There's a thousand chores to do,
A duty to uphold,
I can't have you just lying there,
Slowly getting old

You've got morals to espouse
Plus lessons to be sat
And the part of me which sings with glee
Is not so good at that